You've Got to Keep Moving Forward

I'm heading to India today. The last time I was in India was just under two years ago. My life couldn't be in a more different place. Today I'm happy despite (or maybe because of) being single. I am enjoying my new job, new city, and new friends. I feel content, yet still very driven, which is definitely not how I was feeling two years ago. During my last trip to India, I was killing it at work in what was at that point a new role, but my personal life had completely fallen apart.


So damn dysfunctional we start keeping score

Last night I watched the movie Begin Again, which was about a girl (Keira Knightley) who was trying to put her life back together after a rough break up. That alone maybe would have given me a fleeting thought of my ex, but what really made me start thinking about everything that happened was that Adam Levine of Maroon 5 was the boyfriend in the movie. One of the last times I saw my ex, he asked me if I had heard the new Maroon 5 song. I hadn't. He played it for me and said it reminded him of us. The song was One More Night. While he was correct that the song captured a big part of the dynamic in our relationship, I still feel like I've been kicked in the stomach every time I hear that song. Listen to the song, and you'll understand why.

Begin Again (source: Rotten Tomatoes)

After the movie was over, I played the song on repeat for probably an hour and looked at old photos and texts. Yes, I know. That's a very toxic and unhealthy thing to do, and something I haven't done in a very long time in relation to him. But in a weird way it's helping me process the last little bit of that relationship that still sometimes puts me in a tailspin.

I stopped using my head, let it all go

My ex was a year ahead of me in graduate school. We knew of each other, but we weren't friends. My only real memory of him was thinking he was a flirt.  We didn't keep in touch after school. Three years after the last time we'd interacted, we saw each other at a mutual friend's wedding. We ended up spending the entire wedding together. I assumed it was just a fun time at a wedding since we lived nearly 3000 miles apart, but before he left he told me he wanted to see me again. He was very charming, as he always could be whenever he chose to, so of course I said yes.

I was skeptical about whether I would actually hear from him, but a few days later I got a text from him asking me if I wanted to go to the Hamptons. "Meet me in New York City. Bring a bikini and a sexy dress, and I'll take care of the rest," he wrote. Not exactly your run of the mill first date. We had an amazing time together, laughing and goofing around. There was a very intense connection, and we couldn't keep our hands off each other. This was the beginning of the two and a half year roller coaster ride.

Happy in the Hamptons

For the first year we dated long distance. Our relationship consisted of meeting at hotels around the world to party in exclusive clubs, eat at expensive restaurants, and go on adventures. We met in LA, DC, Boston, Atlanta, Puerto Vallarta. For my birthday we went to Dubai. We were always excited to see each other. I was having the time of my life. I was happy. I was in love.

I tell you no, but my body keeps on telling you yes

This life of jet setting around the world was not sustainable. Eventually I helped him get a job in San Francisco, and we moved in together. Then real life hit us like a ton of bricks. Things were OK for a month, maybe two. Then it all rapidly fell apart.

Turned out that he hated living together. He started to hate everything about San Francisco. His job, our apartment, the weather, the traffic, me. When I want something I work for it. Get good grades - study more. Ace a project - work a 100 hour week. Run a marathon - train your ass off. However, this dedication to putting more effort in, while it works for most things in life, fails miserably in a relationship. Especially a relationship with my ex.

There you go again, making me love you

The more I tried, the more he pulled away. The nights out with "the boys" became more frequent. The lies became more obvious. The disdain he felt toward me became more palpable. Then all of the sudden he would be back. He would want to talk to me and actually listen to what I was saying. He would come home with dinner and a bottle of wine and want to play music and dance around the apartment with me. He would surprise me with a trip to Napa or Monterrey for no reason and we would have an amazing time laughing, dancing, singing. Then he'd be gone again. Soon the fighting and crying were more frequent than the laughter. But when he made me smile, I was on top of the world.

Source: inspiredbride.net

I have a photo of the two of us that looks much like this one. I showed it to a friend the other day. His response - You look happy. And for moments that became more and more fleeting, I was.

I'm feeling stupid, crawling back to you

After we had lived together for a year, when our lease was up for renewal, he told me he was moving out. Even though I had been miserable for months and should have ended it myself, I was devastated. I went to New York for the weekend to go to a ridiculous rooftop pool party because I couldn't bear to be home while he packed up his things.

The day after he moved out, an unfortunate series of events unfolded that brought out the absolute worst in him and turned me into a complete wreck, and also meant that we had to continue interacting despite him having moved out.

For six months, we continued to see each other. I still don't really know why he kept seeing me. The easy answer would be that the physical connection we had always had together never went away. But there was more than that. For me, he was like an addiction. When he just simply hugged me, the chaos going on in my mind stopped and for a brief moment everything was OK again. I didn't care that I would only feel worse once he was gone. I was addicted to that feeling.

I cross my heart and I hope to die

In December of 2012, he moved back to the east coast. I was in India when he moved. The last time I spoke to him, I was in Goa, sitting on a beautiful beach, miserable and missing him. But we had an exchange that finally felt like a tiny bit of closure where he apologized in the smallest way. I know he had never intentionally hurt me, and I used that excuse over and over to justify his behavior while we were together. But the fact was, he knew he was hurting me and just didn't care. I certainly can take plenty of blame. I had become a jealous, crazy, obsessive bitch of a girlfriend.

Sunset in Goa

We exchanged a few texts after I got home. Then I decided not to respond to one. And he never sent another. About a year ago, he sent me an email. It was actually quite nice and complimentary. I couldn't respond. I couldn't take the risk of being sucked back into that world.

Give me one more night

So here we are, and I'm headed back to India. While I've dated a bit in the last two years, I've also been single more than I was in the preceding 16 years as a serial monogamist. I'm very happy that I've spent this time processing and figuring myself out, but I'm also terrified that I'll never be that happy again. I've started to wonder if those kind of highs must go hand in hand with those kind of lows.

While I'm OK with being single for the first time in my life, I do miss having someone to share the little everyday things with and everything else that goes along with a relationship. I have 3 dates lined up for when I get back to Singapore (though anything planned more than a week out in the world of online dating isn't really confirmed). We'll see how they turn out.

For now, hello again, India.

Why Did the Chick Cross Orchard Road?

Do you miss the US?

I've just barely been in Singapore for a month so it's not that long of a time in which to feel homesick, but the short answer to this question is no. If I think about it, what do I miss? Friends and family of course. And I miss that I was served dinner at work, there was a chiropractor onsite at my office, and I could buy wine without spending a fortune. Real first world problems, I know. So... no, I don't really miss the US. At least not yet.

Singapore is pretty much the easiest city ever to move to, as long as you don't mind humidity. A new friend yesterday correctly said that it is "insultingly easy" to adapt here. Everyone speaks English, people are friendly, and despite what many people say, there is a ton of stuff to do here. Taxis aren't actually all that easy to get, but it's usually 10 minutes or less (basically I'm spoiled by Uber in SF and how well taxi apps work there), and it was unnecessarily frustrating to buy a ticket for the subway (the MRT). There was really no reason for me to stand in line multiple times to buy a ticket, but there was likely a faster way to do this that I wasn't aware of.

Spend Friday night at a beautiful pool bar? Don't mind if I do.

So what has been the hardest thing for me to figure out in Singapore? Crossing the street. Yes, you read that correctly. But not just any street. The street that gets me home. Orchard Road.

Source: Wikipedia

The Orchard Road Underpass (also known as the Depths of Hell)

The intersection of Orchard Road and Scotts Road / Paterson Road is a very busy one. There are no crosswalks so in order to cross the road, you need to go into the Orchard MRT station and cross via an underpass. Sounds easy, right? Haha no. The first time I experienced this mayhem was when I was recovering from being sick just after I had gotten here. I had spent the previous three days sick in bed and alone. I went out to meet a friend for dinner and needed to cross Orchard. After figuring out the no crosswalk situation, I went down into the MRT. All of the sudden I was in an underground shopping mall maze with heaving masses of people everywhere. Where the hell was I? It was a jarring shock to go from solitary confinement to this chaos.

Singapore is known for its mall culture, and Orchard Road is the epitome of this. Block after block of massive shopping malls selling everything under the sun. Orchard also is the location of many hotels, such as the Marriott and the Grand Hyatt, which have clubs in them (see earlier post on the clientele in the Marriott's bar). And Orchard is home of the infamous Orchard Towers, nicknamed the Four Floors of Whores.

Crossing the street - the new place to pick up guys

I generally have a decent sense of direction so that fact that this underpass situation is still not under control baffles me. It's not just me either. Half the time I'm trying to navigate this I'm with someone else! Twice this week we ended up going out on Orchard Road. While I can do without the prostitutes, I like dancing and hey, it's close to home (hahaha).

On Tuesday, a big group of us ended up at Brix in the Grand Hyatt. The night for me had ended with a weird encounter, and I left the club quite hastily and a bit flustered. I just started walking without really thinking where I was headed. This was a bad idea. I can see the Grand Hyatt from my apartment, yet it took me 45 minutes to find my way home. I need to pay more attention to what I'm doing sometimes. On Thursday, four of us ended up at Orchard Towers to watch a band (and FYI, the lead singer is still definitely a hooker). A coworker who lives a few blocks away walked me home. We must have gone up and down 15 different sets of escalators trying to get through the underpass. I was barefoot this whole time too since my shoe had broken. Finally we just jaywalked and hopped a fence to get across the street.

Last night I went to dinner at a friend's apartment. She lives right next to the Grand Hyatt so it was "walking distance". As I walked there I paid very careful attention to exactly which pathway to take so I would be sure to get home without incident. I left dinner, feeling confident in my directional abilities, and the hallway I was supposed to take was... blocked for construction. DAMMIT! I headed to another escalator that I was semi-sure would still get me to the right place and ran into a guy walking back up who told me that it was blocked that way as well. Screw it, I'm jaywalking again. He asked where I was going and I told him to follow me. As I was climbing over a fence in a skirt, he asked me out for a drink. I told him that everything on this side of the street was closed now, trying to politely decline. He then suggested buying a drink at the 7-11. What?! No. I need to go home now. <sigh>

Source: troll.me

Hello?... Hello???... HELLOOOOO?!

When I was last on OKCupid, I got a few guys who were a bit too persistent and would keep messaging me despite never getting a single response. This time around it's much worse. Some send the same message over and over. Others start to get weird and desperate and sometimes nasty. This morning I woke up to one of those messages. Until today I haven't trolled any guys on the dating sites here. Most of the messages have been so bad it just wouldn't have been worth it. But this guy got under my skin.

On Friday while I was at work I got the first message:

how's life? nice smile!

Not a terrible message, but he didn't live in Singapore so I wasn't planning to respond. I got the message while running between meetings so even if I had been planning to respond, it wouldn't have been right away. Less than an hour later was message #2:

no reply?

Oh gross. Pathetic and whiny. That's exactly what I'm looking for in a guy. Guys on dating sites, a word of advice - NEVER DO THIS. EVER. A second message can be acceptable if done well, but do not send a message like this. You are acting like the clingy, jealous girlfriend that no one likes.

This morning I got the third message which he had sent at around 2 AM:

no reply?
Thanks for that!
Seems ignoring messages is something that makes women feel good. 
It has some way got to do with personal ego.

Are you freaking kidding me? I'm sorry that I haven't taken the time to send a personal response to all 232, no make that 233, people who have messaged me in the last 8 days. I'm not trying to pretend that I'm soooo amazing that this is a phenomenon unique to me. Guys play these sites like a numbers game, spamming hundreds of girls a day, and most girls get the same volume of messages that I do. I had to respond, knowing full well the reply I would receive:

I didn't reply to you for several reasons. None of which have to do with my ego.
1) You are in Italy, not Singapore, and my profile is specific that I'm not looking for a pen pal. I do not respond to anyone who is not in Singapore.
2) To follow up an initial message in less than 24 hours with "no reply?" seems desperate and creepy. Even if I had been planning to respond I wouldn't have after that message.
3) I am not interested in your profile. Women on here get many messages per day and it's ridiculous to think that every one will respond back to you. I don't have the time to gently let you know I'm not interested so as not to bruise YOUR ego.
Being rude to women on here is not going to make you many friends. You may want to adjust your tactics.

While waiting for his inevitable reply, I took a look at his profile. There was no way in hell I would have EVER engaged with this guy seriously.

1. As mentioned above, not even in Singapore.
2. Terrible, terrible photos. He could possibly be somewhat attractive in real life, but one photo is a weird side profile and the other has this awful filter on it that makes him look like he has some bizarre disease.
3. He refers to himself as a "weird stuff thinker". What on earth is that supposed to be?
4. In the questions he has answered he says that "sarcasm is formulaic and lame" (this will be relevant in a second), he prefers submissive partners (yeah, you don't want me buddy) and that it is not acceptable for gay couples to have children.

Source: memekid.com

Five minutes later, his response:

I don't need your advice. As you said women received thousand of messages, and maybe feel the right to behave like they are the only ones in the world.
I know that very well, hence i was not rude, I just stated it has to do with ego, and ur message is confirming that.
Secondly, I have the option to see when people read my message, and yes, you could read it just short after you received it, so it is nothing creepy if i said to you that you ignored me. It was just stating a fact.
If i was sarcastic to you (not rude, sarcastic, if you can discern the difference) is because I already knew about your point 3 (you did not find me attractive).
Nothing to lose then.
As you noticed, not only women have a brain in the world, even they tend to think so LOL

Let's break down this response. First, the beginning just makes no sense. I didn't say women receive thousands of messages, but if they do, how are they behaving like they are the only ones in the world? I'm not following the logic there. Second, saying that someone is egotistical is rude. Period. Third, checking to see when someone reads your messages then berating them if they don't respond immediately is without question creepy. Fourth, there was nothing sarcastic about his message. He was stating a fact as he says, which is not sarcasm, but as he answered correctly in his questions, his sarcasm is lame. Fifth, if you know someone is not interested, what's the point in continuing to harass them? Sixth, if you're going to comment on women having brains, try to use correct grammar. Seventh, LOL... shoot me in the face.

I didn't even have time to send my break down of the fallacies of his response, when he sent another message:

P.S.: i hope you enjoy your threesomes and gangbangs there, as you said you are interested in them. ;)

That was the last straw with this guy:

Nope, never said that. But as I did say, you are very rude. Leave me alone now or I will report you.

He of course replied again, threatening that he would report me. Haha, that's funny. So I blocked him and reported him for offensive comments and harassment. Then I remembered that I had been invited by OKCupid to help moderate content on the site, and I spent the next hour recommending that other offensive douchebags have their profiles be taken down. I feel much better now. Time to go sit by the pool :)

Source: quickmeme.com

Not OK, OKCupid. Not OK at all.

Warning: Content in this post is not suitable for work or for children. Proceed with caution.


Back in action

Turns out an OKCupid profile can be turned back on with just a couple of clicks. Five minutes of editing, and my shiny new profile was ready to go. Just like last time, the messages started rolling in almost instantly. Except I realized quickly, this was not going to be like last time. While Tinder here is pretty similar to in the US, OKCupid is not. So far there has only been one guy worth chatting to out of the 118 who have contacted me. This is not going to be a fruitful way in which to get dates.

There are all sorts of strange and bizarre guys on OKC in Singapore. Here is a sample for you...


The Asian guy who's into white girls

"I haven't really have a caucasian before so am hoping you will be my first"


The guy who doesn't live in Singapore

They come from near and far: Malaysia, Gambia, the US, Italy, France, Senegal, Germany, the UK, Columbia


The guy who thinks he's funny but isn't

"I am easygoing, interactive, shy but managable lol."
"San Fran! Do you wear a flower in your hair? lol"
"What could be more important than a happy ending? LOL"
 [I still hate LOL. Bleh.]


The guy who is posing with a wild animal

I really don't get why there are so many of these photos. Apparently it's a thing in Canada too.

From Google image search. Sadly, not a guy who actually contacted me. None of the guys here with tiger photos have been this cute.

The guy who can't take a hint

Sending nine messages in a row without waiting for a response is too many. So is messaging me every two days saying, "you look great!" or sending "Hi morning"  or "Hello, how are you?" every single day when I'm not responding to you. (These are three separate guys doing this.)


The guy who is DEFINITELY older than his profile says

I'm 35. I swear! (Also a Google image search photo)

The guy who wants to be a sugar daddy

"I am in that exclusive group of 'Shalionaires' hyped by the media for the millions we have made investing in shale oil and gas. [...] I don't mind providing an airline ticket to meet me anywhere in the world. [...] We are always looking for good help if you are interested in a new career."


The guy who wants a partner in crime... literally

"My other interest are to rob a vault... hijack a ship and to manipulate the slot machine at the MBS casino... the sort of stuff that could rescue by bored soul... but for all of these I require a partner in crime... so let me know if any of it interests you."


The guy who is incredibly inappropriate

"Excellent profile-you write well. And you're a bit of a dirty girl, eh? Hot fucking combination." [Note: Nothing in my profile is sexual and I'm fully clothed in all of my photos.]

This one needs a screenshot because I really couldn't make this crap up even if I tried. Saying "haha" does not make this even a little bit OK.

And last but not least, the guy who isn't a guy...

So there you go, folks. The weird and crazy world of OKC in Singapore. Might be time to pay for a dating site. Or just go back to Tinder.