What I Am To You Is Not Real

And so it is, just like you said it would be

On Monday it happened. A wobble. I hit the low point that's inevitable after the high of being in a new place doing fun, exciting new things. But I'm not homesick. Well maybe homesick for Singapore and exhausted from traveling, but not homesick for the US. In fact, the past few days have made me even more confident in my decision to move. I did miss my friends when I was wanting people to talk to and it was the middle of the night at home, but fortunately I had two friends in Singapore who let me vent. I'm incredibly grateful that I already have people out here who are willing to listen. I feel very lucky.


Volcanoes melt you down

Monday was a bit of a perfect storm. First I felt incredibly sick. Getting some sort of stomach issue happens more often than not when you're a foreigner in India, but that doesn't make it any easier to give a presentation to a senior client when you feel like puking. Then there was a snide comment made that was directed toward me, and I got some news that I wasn't too thrilled about. All in all, nothing tragic happened, but my motivation level went from being pretty high and being excited to work on some new things to basically zero and wanting my vacation that starts on Friday to happen now. And I really hate feeling that way.

Maybe I'll meet a Ryan look-alike on vacation (source: diylol.com)

What I really need is what makes me bleed

Yesterday I refocused. I'm still not in the best mood, but I'm in India to meet my new team, and I owe it to them to be fully present. Plus there's a ton of work to do, and feeling productive and useful is always a better state of mind for me. I'm trying to take to heart a piece of feedback I received recently that I need to show my personality and "quirkiness" to my team more. I get it, but feedback like that also bothers me sometimes. I suspect not too many male managers get feedback like that. As a female if I'm not warm and fuzzy, it's a negative. For a lot of male managers, no one flinches if they're not overly friendly, as long as the work gets done. I don't like when being personable feels forced. It seems ingenuous, and everyone sees right through it.

 I couldn't resist including this (source: someecards.com)

Why do you sing with me at all

We all have our shields that we hide behind. Some people come across as very friendly at first, but when you stop to think about it, they don't really let people in beyond the surface level. At least not right away. But you don't always realize it because they're so outgoing and engaging. I'm the opposite. I'm not open at all when I first meet most people. (Remember the ice princess nickname?) Then I'll let people in quite a bit. Or so it seems. But those who are paying attention realize I tell variations of the same story over and over. For those who aren't paying attention, they think they have me totally figured out after a handful of conversations.


Is he dark enough to see your light

I've always been one of those people who's had an incredibly wide social circle. I have 1600 Facebook friends and I probably don't know who a significant number of them are anymore. Yet I post a very personal blog there for all of them to read. (Well, not all. Generally each post gets about 300 page views when posted which still baffles me that so many people read this.) Despite having this many "friends", there are probably only 3 or 4 people from my entire life who really know me. The highs and lows, the hopes and dreams, the secrets and dark places. Everyone else just knows the persona, which is fine and probably not something that's unique to me.


You give me miles and miles of mountains

I read an article yesterday about how it feels when you realize people who were once important to you fall out of your life and become somebody you used to know (love that song). For me there's another dimension. For many of those 1600 FB friends, I'm not only someone who they used to know, I'm also a good story to tell. It's become more and more common lately since I haven't settled down and I do things that aren't part of the normal husband and 2.5 kids lifestyle. When one of my former friends sees me after a long time and introduces me to a new person, it usually goes like this - "This is Sara! She's the one who [was on Everest, writes that dating blog, works at that big tech company, moved to Singapore, etc, etc]."

source: memegenerator.net

I can't say what's going on

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. It's just an interesting realization to make. Writing about my life in a very public forum invites this, but it can be a little weird. I love that people I haven't heard from in ages message me because something I wrote resonated with them. I can't think of a better reason to reconnect with someone. But it is strange when someone whose life I know nothing about knows so much about mine. At least the parts I choose to share. The blog is a great example of how if you tell enough stories people feel like they know you. Even if the reality is far from it.


My favourite faded fantasy

Last night I discovered an NPR article that had a link to Damien Rice's new album. I first saw him play live over a decade ago and I've loved his music ever since. It's dark but somehow optimistic at the same time. It was perfectly fitting for my introspective mood. The line from Volcano was the perfect title for this post.


Don't drag my love around

I shouldn't read OKC messages while I'm in a dark mood. I'm not amused with the crap when I'm feeling that way. I didn't respond to any because it would have been a really bad idea, though I did send in the messages about getting gang banged to Bye Felipe. We'll see if they post it.

Check out the Facebook page. Hilarious.

I can't take my eyes off of you

I need to get excited again about some of the potential prospects because pickings are slim. Here are some of the gems I've gotten in the last few days. Blue eyes are apparently a hit in India. Compliments are nice but god I feel objectified.

YOUR EYES REAL?
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Can i date you :D
I don't know why you are really here
The eyes are alluring, as blue as a swimming pool.
This is a dating site and not my MBA study [your humble brag does nothing for me since I also have an MBA...]
Looks elegant n v pretty. Beautiful eyes n adorable cute smile !
Let me know if we can take things further ;)
I'm not white or middle eastern if that concerns you
Hey gorgeous
Hi sweetie
Hello beautiful
Hey u defines the Beauty
I'm gonna call you on your bluff and say you did graduate high school [sorry buddy, but you're wrong and implying that I lie on my profile is not cool]
Looking good
ur amazingly hot!!!!!!
U r sooo prity!

Does he drive you wild or just mildly free

And these two need a screen shot...

Just wow... fortunately I'm not in Hyderabad anymore

This seems like a great way to turn into an international news story about an American girl getting murdered in India

Love taught me to lie, life taught me to die

For now, thank you for reading my slightly moderated musings. I'm glad so many of you enjoy reading about my weird life. Maybe someday I'll write the uncensored version.

A Trip to the Taj

After a tiring, but fun and productive week at work in our Gurgaon, India office, a coworker and I spent our Saturday visiting the Taj Mahal. The Taj is a 4 hour drive from Gurgaon, which is right outside Delhi. We left our hotel at 5 AM and when we arrived the haze (which I was told is not pollution, just "winter" weather) unfortunately had not burned off, but it was still a pretty amazing sight. I mistakenly had thought the Taj Mahal was a palace of some sort, but it's actually a massive mausoleum. It also isn't just white like it usually looks in the photos. Up close you can see that it's covered in intricate jeweled flowers and writings that are inlaid in the marble. Definitely worth spending 8 hours in the car. (I managed to sleep for most of it so it didn't seem that long at all.)

The Taj Mahal

A labor of love

The Taj Mahal was built in the 1600s by a grief-stricken emperor after his wife died giving birth to their 14th child. 20,000 workers spent 22 years building this testament of love for his deceased spouse. I was apparently also part of the attraction, even though I have yet to keep a guy's attention for more than 3 years, let alone 22 when I'm dead. After getting my photo taken in front of the Taj, a mother and her daughter asked to take their photo with me too. Blonde hair has weird effects on people here.

The jewels on the Taj sparkling in the sun

The love story of the Taj seems to have rubbed off on me because on the way home, the OKCupid messages started flooding in. Even though my profile says I'm in Singapore, there is apparently a "nearby" feature that locals can peruse. I'm not sure if this is new or if I just didn't travel while I was online dating last time. Either way, several Indian men were eager to show me around Delhi tonight. A few were real winners:

If you are online shopping believer... Try n date me, I come free and with a 30 days return guarantee ;)

I think and I see you r very attractive beautiful n active...u look like an actress ....Impeccable and neat....u attract me :-)

My name is [name I can't pronounce] and I am unemployed. I like what I see 

The potential suitors

While I doesn't look like I'll be finding love in India, as mentioned previously, there are a few tentatively scheduled dates for when I get back to Singapore. Here are the front runners:

The music-playing techie (OKC)
Recently moved from the US to Singapore, this guy caught my eye quickly. Tall, cute, also works in tech, musician. Three messages in he asked if I wanted to meet up for coffee. Not afraid to be aggressive without being creepy. I like it. However, he generally takes 3-4 days to respond to messages, which isn't a good sign. But he does keep responding eventually, and he did just move across the world so we'll see. I'm not holding my breath for this one though. Too bad because he really is cute.

The yacht-riding chef (Tinder)
A chef for me is always a plus since I don't cook and a chef generally is OK with that. This one happens to be Australian (I'm such a sucker for accents) and works on a yacht that takes him all over the South Pacific. He doesn't actually live in Singapore, but he's there frequently. If it gets me a ride on a yacht trip, I'll make an exception for this guy. Plus his photos are pretty hot. Except the one where he's kissing a fish...

The coffee-drinking photographer (Tinder)
This guy I'm not sold on yet. The conversation was a little stilted, but he seems interesting. Does a ton of traveling. Also hard to tell what he really looks like from his photos. It's so much harder to get info out of guys on Tinder. You don't have much to go on when you start a conversation since the profiles have a fraction of the content. This guy will have to follow up with me to actually meet up, and I'm not sure I will even if he does. We'll see.

The kite-surfing PhD (OKC)
Swiss guy who just finished his PhD program. Most of our conversation has been about kite-surfing even though I've only gone once and I was pretty bad at it. His date ideas were various types of water activities - fake wave-riding, wakeboarding, SUPing - so that was intriguing. A few hesitations with this one though. It's hard to tell what he really looks like from his photos so he might not be that attractive, he doesn't put his height in his profile so most likely he's short (not a deal killer, but I do have a thing for tall guys), and the conversation ended when he asked for my number and I said I don't get texts in India. (I actually can, but see my previous post for my philosophy on giving out phone numbers.)

The rock-climbing professor (OKC)
I really need to find a belay partner who will go climbing with me so I may end up being friends with this guy even if there's no chemistry. American (I think, though he didn't say so explicitly) who is a communications professor in Singapore. He does have a shirtless photo on his profile, but he's rock climbing so that gets a pass. Again no height listed, but he at least looks proportional in his photos. Lots of travel photos which is cool, but you can't see his face in all of his pics and in some he's definitely cuter than in others. We'll see how it goes in real life.

The dragon-boating banker (Tinder)
British guy (again with the accent, swoon) whose messages kept me well entertained during a 2 hour run. Asked me out for a drink and was willing to wait until I get back from India. Haven't heard from him for a few days though. 6'1" so not short, and he has Don Draper as one of his profile photos, which is perhaps a bit cocky, but there is a striking resemblance to his other photos. Not sure Don Draper is the type of guy I want to date though...

The fun flirting crush (real life)
This one technically shouldn't go on this list since there's no date on the horizon and in all likelihood there never will be, but I have a bit of a schoolgirl crush on someone I've met in Singapore. For a variety of reasons, it has a very very minimal chance of ever turning into anything, but for now I'm enjoying the innocent flirtation. All good friendly fun that keeps me amused and occupied while I decide if I actually want to go out with the above gentlemen.

Source: someecards.com

You've Got to Keep Moving Forward

I'm heading to India today. The last time I was in India was just under two years ago. My life couldn't be in a more different place. Today I'm happy despite (or maybe because of) being single. I am enjoying my new job, new city, and new friends. I feel content, yet still very driven, which is definitely not how I was feeling two years ago. During my last trip to India, I was killing it at work in what was at that point a new role, but my personal life had completely fallen apart.


So damn dysfunctional we start keeping score

Last night I watched the movie Begin Again, which was about a girl (Keira Knightley) who was trying to put her life back together after a rough break up. That alone maybe would have given me a fleeting thought of my ex, but what really made me start thinking about everything that happened was that Adam Levine of Maroon 5 was the boyfriend in the movie. One of the last times I saw my ex, he asked me if I had heard the new Maroon 5 song. I hadn't. He played it for me and said it reminded him of us. The song was One More Night. While he was correct that the song captured a big part of the dynamic in our relationship, I still feel like I've been kicked in the stomach every time I hear that song. Listen to the song, and you'll understand why.

Begin Again (source: Rotten Tomatoes)

After the movie was over, I played the song on repeat for probably an hour and looked at old photos and texts. Yes, I know. That's a very toxic and unhealthy thing to do, and something I haven't done in a very long time in relation to him. But in a weird way it's helping me process the last little bit of that relationship that still sometimes puts me in a tailspin.

I stopped using my head, let it all go

My ex was a year ahead of me in graduate school. We knew of each other, but we weren't friends. My only real memory of him was thinking he was a flirt.  We didn't keep in touch after school. Three years after the last time we'd interacted, we saw each other at a mutual friend's wedding. We ended up spending the entire wedding together. I assumed it was just a fun time at a wedding since we lived nearly 3000 miles apart, but before he left he told me he wanted to see me again. He was very charming, as he always could be whenever he chose to, so of course I said yes.

I was skeptical about whether I would actually hear from him, but a few days later I got a text from him asking me if I wanted to go to the Hamptons. "Meet me in New York City. Bring a bikini and a sexy dress, and I'll take care of the rest," he wrote. Not exactly your run of the mill first date. We had an amazing time together, laughing and goofing around. There was a very intense connection, and we couldn't keep our hands off each other. This was the beginning of the two and a half year roller coaster ride.

Happy in the Hamptons

For the first year we dated long distance. Our relationship consisted of meeting at hotels around the world to party in exclusive clubs, eat at expensive restaurants, and go on adventures. We met in LA, DC, Boston, Atlanta, Puerto Vallarta. For my birthday we went to Dubai. We were always excited to see each other. I was having the time of my life. I was happy. I was in love.

I tell you no, but my body keeps on telling you yes

This life of jet setting around the world was not sustainable. Eventually I helped him get a job in San Francisco, and we moved in together. Then real life hit us like a ton of bricks. Things were OK for a month, maybe two. Then it all rapidly fell apart.

Turned out that he hated living together. He started to hate everything about San Francisco. His job, our apartment, the weather, the traffic, me. When I want something I work for it. Get good grades - study more. Ace a project - work a 100 hour week. Run a marathon - train your ass off. However, this dedication to putting more effort in, while it works for most things in life, fails miserably in a relationship. Especially a relationship with my ex.

There you go again, making me love you

The more I tried, the more he pulled away. The nights out with "the boys" became more frequent. The lies became more obvious. The disdain he felt toward me became more palpable. Then all of the sudden he would be back. He would want to talk to me and actually listen to what I was saying. He would come home with dinner and a bottle of wine and want to play music and dance around the apartment with me. He would surprise me with a trip to Napa or Monterrey for no reason and we would have an amazing time laughing, dancing, singing. Then he'd be gone again. Soon the fighting and crying were more frequent than the laughter. But when he made me smile, I was on top of the world.

Source: inspiredbride.net

I have a photo of the two of us that looks much like this one. I showed it to a friend the other day. His response - You look happy. And for moments that became more and more fleeting, I was.

I'm feeling stupid, crawling back to you

After we had lived together for a year, when our lease was up for renewal, he told me he was moving out. Even though I had been miserable for months and should have ended it myself, I was devastated. I went to New York for the weekend to go to a ridiculous rooftop pool party because I couldn't bear to be home while he packed up his things.

The day after he moved out, an unfortunate series of events unfolded that brought out the absolute worst in him and turned me into a complete wreck, and also meant that we had to continue interacting despite him having moved out.

For six months, we continued to see each other. I still don't really know why he kept seeing me. The easy answer would be that the physical connection we had always had together never went away. But there was more than that. For me, he was like an addiction. When he just simply hugged me, the chaos going on in my mind stopped and for a brief moment everything was OK again. I didn't care that I would only feel worse once he was gone. I was addicted to that feeling.

I cross my heart and I hope to die

In December of 2012, he moved back to the east coast. I was in India when he moved. The last time I spoke to him, I was in Goa, sitting on a beautiful beach, miserable and missing him. But we had an exchange that finally felt like a tiny bit of closure where he apologized in the smallest way. I know he had never intentionally hurt me, and I used that excuse over and over to justify his behavior while we were together. But the fact was, he knew he was hurting me and just didn't care. I certainly can take plenty of blame. I had become a jealous, crazy, obsessive bitch of a girlfriend.

Sunset in Goa

We exchanged a few texts after I got home. Then I decided not to respond to one. And he never sent another. About a year ago, he sent me an email. It was actually quite nice and complimentary. I couldn't respond. I couldn't take the risk of being sucked back into that world.

Give me one more night

So here we are, and I'm headed back to India. While I've dated a bit in the last two years, I've also been single more than I was in the preceding 16 years as a serial monogamist. I'm very happy that I've spent this time processing and figuring myself out, but I'm also terrified that I'll never be that happy again. I've started to wonder if those kind of highs must go hand in hand with those kind of lows.

While I'm OK with being single for the first time in my life, I do miss having someone to share the little everyday things with and everything else that goes along with a relationship. I have 3 dates lined up for when I get back to Singapore (though anything planned more than a week out in the world of online dating isn't really confirmed). We'll see how they turn out.

For now, hello again, India.