Why Did the Chick Cross Orchard Road?

Do you miss the US?

I've just barely been in Singapore for a month so it's not that long of a time in which to feel homesick, but the short answer to this question is no. If I think about it, what do I miss? Friends and family of course. And I miss that I was served dinner at work, there was a chiropractor onsite at my office, and I could buy wine without spending a fortune. Real first world problems, I know. So... no, I don't really miss the US. At least not yet.

Singapore is pretty much the easiest city ever to move to, as long as you don't mind humidity. A new friend yesterday correctly said that it is "insultingly easy" to adapt here. Everyone speaks English, people are friendly, and despite what many people say, there is a ton of stuff to do here. Taxis aren't actually all that easy to get, but it's usually 10 minutes or less (basically I'm spoiled by Uber in SF and how well taxi apps work there), and it was unnecessarily frustrating to buy a ticket for the subway (the MRT). There was really no reason for me to stand in line multiple times to buy a ticket, but there was likely a faster way to do this that I wasn't aware of.

Spend Friday night at a beautiful pool bar? Don't mind if I do.

So what has been the hardest thing for me to figure out in Singapore? Crossing the street. Yes, you read that correctly. But not just any street. The street that gets me home. Orchard Road.

Source: Wikipedia

The Orchard Road Underpass (also known as the Depths of Hell)

The intersection of Orchard Road and Scotts Road / Paterson Road is a very busy one. There are no crosswalks so in order to cross the road, you need to go into the Orchard MRT station and cross via an underpass. Sounds easy, right? Haha no. The first time I experienced this mayhem was when I was recovering from being sick just after I had gotten here. I had spent the previous three days sick in bed and alone. I went out to meet a friend for dinner and needed to cross Orchard. After figuring out the no crosswalk situation, I went down into the MRT. All of the sudden I was in an underground shopping mall maze with heaving masses of people everywhere. Where the hell was I? It was a jarring shock to go from solitary confinement to this chaos.

Singapore is known for its mall culture, and Orchard Road is the epitome of this. Block after block of massive shopping malls selling everything under the sun. Orchard also is the location of many hotels, such as the Marriott and the Grand Hyatt, which have clubs in them (see earlier post on the clientele in the Marriott's bar). And Orchard is home of the infamous Orchard Towers, nicknamed the Four Floors of Whores.

Crossing the street - the new place to pick up guys

I generally have a decent sense of direction so that fact that this underpass situation is still not under control baffles me. It's not just me either. Half the time I'm trying to navigate this I'm with someone else! Twice this week we ended up going out on Orchard Road. While I can do without the prostitutes, I like dancing and hey, it's close to home (hahaha).

On Tuesday, a big group of us ended up at Brix in the Grand Hyatt. The night for me had ended with a weird encounter, and I left the club quite hastily and a bit flustered. I just started walking without really thinking where I was headed. This was a bad idea. I can see the Grand Hyatt from my apartment, yet it took me 45 minutes to find my way home. I need to pay more attention to what I'm doing sometimes. On Thursday, four of us ended up at Orchard Towers to watch a band (and FYI, the lead singer is still definitely a hooker). A coworker who lives a few blocks away walked me home. We must have gone up and down 15 different sets of escalators trying to get through the underpass. I was barefoot this whole time too since my shoe had broken. Finally we just jaywalked and hopped a fence to get across the street.

Last night I went to dinner at a friend's apartment. She lives right next to the Grand Hyatt so it was "walking distance". As I walked there I paid very careful attention to exactly which pathway to take so I would be sure to get home without incident. I left dinner, feeling confident in my directional abilities, and the hallway I was supposed to take was... blocked for construction. DAMMIT! I headed to another escalator that I was semi-sure would still get me to the right place and ran into a guy walking back up who told me that it was blocked that way as well. Screw it, I'm jaywalking again. He asked where I was going and I told him to follow me. As I was climbing over a fence in a skirt, he asked me out for a drink. I told him that everything on this side of the street was closed now, trying to politely decline. He then suggested buying a drink at the 7-11. What?! No. I need to go home now. <sigh>

Source: troll.me

Hello?... Hello???... HELLOOOOO?!

When I was last on OKCupid, I got a few guys who were a bit too persistent and would keep messaging me despite never getting a single response. This time around it's much worse. Some send the same message over and over. Others start to get weird and desperate and sometimes nasty. This morning I woke up to one of those messages. Until today I haven't trolled any guys on the dating sites here. Most of the messages have been so bad it just wouldn't have been worth it. But this guy got under my skin.

On Friday while I was at work I got the first message:

how's life? nice smile!

Not a terrible message, but he didn't live in Singapore so I wasn't planning to respond. I got the message while running between meetings so even if I had been planning to respond, it wouldn't have been right away. Less than an hour later was message #2:

no reply?

Oh gross. Pathetic and whiny. That's exactly what I'm looking for in a guy. Guys on dating sites, a word of advice - NEVER DO THIS. EVER. A second message can be acceptable if done well, but do not send a message like this. You are acting like the clingy, jealous girlfriend that no one likes.

This morning I got the third message which he had sent at around 2 AM:

no reply?
Thanks for that!
Seems ignoring messages is something that makes women feel good. 
It has some way got to do with personal ego.

Are you freaking kidding me? I'm sorry that I haven't taken the time to send a personal response to all 232, no make that 233, people who have messaged me in the last 8 days. I'm not trying to pretend that I'm soooo amazing that this is a phenomenon unique to me. Guys play these sites like a numbers game, spamming hundreds of girls a day, and most girls get the same volume of messages that I do. I had to respond, knowing full well the reply I would receive:

I didn't reply to you for several reasons. None of which have to do with my ego.
1) You are in Italy, not Singapore, and my profile is specific that I'm not looking for a pen pal. I do not respond to anyone who is not in Singapore.
2) To follow up an initial message in less than 24 hours with "no reply?" seems desperate and creepy. Even if I had been planning to respond I wouldn't have after that message.
3) I am not interested in your profile. Women on here get many messages per day and it's ridiculous to think that every one will respond back to you. I don't have the time to gently let you know I'm not interested so as not to bruise YOUR ego.
Being rude to women on here is not going to make you many friends. You may want to adjust your tactics.

While waiting for his inevitable reply, I took a look at his profile. There was no way in hell I would have EVER engaged with this guy seriously.

1. As mentioned above, not even in Singapore.
2. Terrible, terrible photos. He could possibly be somewhat attractive in real life, but one photo is a weird side profile and the other has this awful filter on it that makes him look like he has some bizarre disease.
3. He refers to himself as a "weird stuff thinker". What on earth is that supposed to be?
4. In the questions he has answered he says that "sarcasm is formulaic and lame" (this will be relevant in a second), he prefers submissive partners (yeah, you don't want me buddy) and that it is not acceptable for gay couples to have children.

Source: memekid.com

Five minutes later, his response:

I don't need your advice. As you said women received thousand of messages, and maybe feel the right to behave like they are the only ones in the world.
I know that very well, hence i was not rude, I just stated it has to do with ego, and ur message is confirming that.
Secondly, I have the option to see when people read my message, and yes, you could read it just short after you received it, so it is nothing creepy if i said to you that you ignored me. It was just stating a fact.
If i was sarcastic to you (not rude, sarcastic, if you can discern the difference) is because I already knew about your point 3 (you did not find me attractive).
Nothing to lose then.
As you noticed, not only women have a brain in the world, even they tend to think so LOL

Let's break down this response. First, the beginning just makes no sense. I didn't say women receive thousands of messages, but if they do, how are they behaving like they are the only ones in the world? I'm not following the logic there. Second, saying that someone is egotistical is rude. Period. Third, checking to see when someone reads your messages then berating them if they don't respond immediately is without question creepy. Fourth, there was nothing sarcastic about his message. He was stating a fact as he says, which is not sarcasm, but as he answered correctly in his questions, his sarcasm is lame. Fifth, if you know someone is not interested, what's the point in continuing to harass them? Sixth, if you're going to comment on women having brains, try to use correct grammar. Seventh, LOL... shoot me in the face.

I didn't even have time to send my break down of the fallacies of his response, when he sent another message:

P.S.: i hope you enjoy your threesomes and gangbangs there, as you said you are interested in them. ;)

That was the last straw with this guy:

Nope, never said that. But as I did say, you are very rude. Leave me alone now or I will report you.

He of course replied again, threatening that he would report me. Haha, that's funny. So I blocked him and reported him for offensive comments and harassment. Then I remembered that I had been invited by OKCupid to help moderate content on the site, and I spent the next hour recommending that other offensive douchebags have their profiles be taken down. I feel much better now. Time to go sit by the pool :)

Source: quickmeme.com

Replicate me, baby!

My first three day weekend in Singapore

On Monday October 6th, it was a public holiday in Singapore. October 5th is Hari Raya Haji or the "Festival of Sacrifice" which is pretty much all I can tell you about the holiday other than we got a day off. Three day weekends in the US usually mean BBQs, fireworks, house parties in the neighborhood and lots of shopping deals. In Singapore, there are shopping deals, but otherwise the similarities, at least for my first long weekend, end there.


Will you replicate me???

Friday night started innocently enough. I went to a coworker's birthday party and arrived with a colleague. The plan was to have an early night. We had a lovely time at the party. Nice conversation, good food, a couple of drinks. We were getting ready to leave and a friend who was in town for the week from the US texted that she was having a drink at the St. Regis and we should join. I was given stellar advice before moving that if asked to do something when you're a newcomer I should always say yes. One drink at the St. Regis. How dangerous can that be? Yes, of course. Famous last words.

We went to the St. Regis and the group of mostly strangers immediately bonded. Great conversation, lots of laughs. The scene at the St. Regis was winding down and it was suggested that we relocate. Again, my answer - yes! We decided to go to the Marriott where my friend was staying. It's a very nice hotel in Singapore in a fancy part of town. The bar must be nice there, we thought. Let's go there and have a few more gin and tonics, which were the drink of choice that night.

We got to the bar and there were some groups of people there, but it wasn't too full. However, very conspicuously there were a handful of tiny, very well-dressed, attractive Asian girls sitting at the bar. They weren't drinking anything or talking to anyone. They were, of course, ladies of the night. Unknown to us, the Marriott is well-known for being a popular place to pick up prostitutes. We obviously weren't there for that and were enjoying each others' company so since we weren't going to bother them, they weren't going to bother us, and everyone can have a good time.

We moved our little party to the dance floor. After a little while, the two guys who were with us left me and my friend to go get more drinks. Well we should have known better than to let that happen. Within 30 seconds, a very drunk American came over to me.

Him: "If I stop breathing and fall on the floor right here, will you replicate me?"

Me: [blank stare for 30 seconds] "Do you mean resuscitate you?"

Him: "Haha yeah."

He then proceeded to tell me how he and his friends are American soldiers off to fight ISIS in the Middle East and that this was their last night before they left for war. As the conversation (if you could call his drunken, mostly incoherent, ramblings a conversation) progressed, it became clear that he was talking to me and my friend for two reasons:

1) We clearly weren't hookers so in his mind we were "cheap"
2) We weren't Asian and he was racist

Yeah... um no. Go tell your American hero story to someone else or go pay for one of the girls at the bar. We weren't interested. They were, of course, not deterred. Several more times different guys from their group came over to us. I started semi-frantically texting our guy friends that it was time for them to come back and get us. Through the rest of the night until we left, one guy from their group who was very tall kept following us around. We nicknamed him "the sentry" because then it was slightly less creepy. But it was actually still pretty creepy.

I'm used to the bars in San Francisco having last call at 1:30 and closing at 2 AM which means I'm put to bed before it's too unreasonably late. Well the bars in Singapore seem to never close because at 4 AM, we hustled my friend off to the airport so she could get off to her flight back to the US and the rest of us poured ourselves into cabs and made our way home.

Note to self: The bar scene is Singapore is NOT the place to meet a guy. At least not one I'd actually want to date.


24 hours in Bintan

The next day we did what an self-respecting Singapore expat does on the weekend, jet off to a different country. On Saturday I was meeting up with two coworkers, one of which was the same coworker from the previous night, to go to Bintan, an island in Indonesia, for the day/night. Amazingly the two of us who had been up far past our bedtimes, managed to get to the ferry terminal with plenty of time to spare. Our third compatriot barely made it in time for us to board, but we all got there and made it on the boat.

The main reason for going to Bintan was to play golf on one of the most amazing golf courses in the world. I do not play golf so I instead sat in the golf cart, drank champagne and heckled. All were happy and it was a great afternoon.

Bintan

After golfing, we went to dinner at a seafood place right on the ocean. The food was AMAZING, especially the crab. The service left quite a lot to be desired, but the company made up for it. After dinner we went to our hotel which ended up being on the other side of the island from pretty much everything. We debated about whether to get a cab to take us back to the other side where the fun was or to just hang out at the hotel. Well, it had been a big night the night before so let's just have a bottle of wine and take it easy. Actually let's have more gin and tonics.

The gin and tonics proved to be quite a request for the hotel staff who tried very hard to figure out what we wanted, but just couldn't get it right. We obviously needed to keep ordering rounds until the bar staff got it right. This ended up being at about the same time breakfast was served. The hours had just flown by and amazingly most of our conversation was happily pontificating about work. We had installment #1 of the "Words of Wisdom" series and discussed at length the appropriate way in which to matriculate aggressively, as well as fixing all of the problems we were dealing with in our actual jobs.

Most people would think that horrifically boring, but we are all true nerds at heart so it was actually a quite lovely evening. We ate breakfast, slept for a few hours, then headed back to get the boat back to Singapore. The next day was our day off. I don't know exactly what I did that day. I think I mostly had a much needed sleep.

Hooray for three day weekends! I can't wait until the next one!