All's Fair in Love and War

Apologies, dear readers, for taking so long to write another post. Life - mainly work travel and moving apartments - got in the way of writing. But a birthday seems as good a reason as any to start again. I need to get cracking since my profiles all say I'm a year older now. (And thank you all again for the lovely birthday messages!)

I have so far been on 3 dates. Two were duds. The first was a coffee date. He was fine, but neither of us messaged afterwards and it took me a week to even realize it. Not a good sign. The second was incredibly arrogant. Probably the worst date I've ever been on. He thought it was cute or something to jokingly call me a "good little girl". Anyone who knows me will know that does not amuse me in the slightest. With the third I have at least found a new climbing partner. He doesn't live full time in Singapore so it likely won't amount to anything much, but at least I'm climbing again. He's got enough weight on me that I have to be super careful belaying him. I went flying in the air once and he tumbled to the floor. Oops. He still wants to go climbing again though.

And now what you've all really been wanting to know... What awful messages have I gotten over the last 3 months. I've been saving them all up for you!


The very to the point...

Drinks tonight?

Where will be our first date? ;)

I am looking for a long term relationship

may I be ur friend ? I am 29 and single man

up for casual sex? [Nope.]

do you want to marry?

you can come to india for your travel trips! [I get a LOT of messages from India. Like really a lot. More than from guys in Singapore.]

I came across ur profile. .though u r older than me ..thought we did have a few common interests ..nd hence this msg of hi [Keep reminding me I'm old. That's gonna work great.]

The ones who don't understand my profile...

You should get your GED [Sent from the good ole USA. I replied - I have an MBA so I'm good, but thanks for the unsolicited advice.] 

i really wanna know if it's true that you didn't graduate from high school? [Based on the grammar issues in that line, it seems like he didn't either. Might take this out of my profile. It causes more trouble than it's worth. It's in the "most private thing I'm willing to admit" section right now. Need to think of a new one.] 

an engineer, wow! [Working in tech does not mean I'm an engineer.] 

I hope you consider exploring further although I'm a bit over 40. [A bit is an understatement.]

The relentless...

Good Morning!! [Nov 6]
Hey you [same guy, Nov 8]
Morning you [same guy again, Nov 8]

Hello ! =) [Oct 22]
Hello I m active [Oct 25]
Heyooo [Nov 13]

Hello, I'm a single guy from Hyderabad, lemme know if you would like to chat... [Nov 5]
Helooo a "yes", "no" or "maybe" would really help.... [Dec 2]

Hi how ru?wats ur job? [Oct 27]
Hello hor ru?taken ur dnner? [Nov 2]
Hi how ru?do u meet any guy so far?where do u stay? [Dec 7]

This was sent two days after I didn't respond to this guy's first message:

Have you taken a look at the gay men and gay women in okcupid. They're having a ball of a time flirting with one another. And we are are, nitpicking on race, religion, income and looks. You came all the way to Singapore, to hook up with a white guy? Or some Christian? Or someone well-off financially? Someone drop dead good looking?

I have no words for this winner. Second line of his profile is - "I am thankful that I am not short. I am also thankful that I was given above average intelligence." I'm clearly the shallow one in this conversation.


Had to block this next one. Even for the blog it was getting to be too much.

The complimentary (kind of)...

such a pretty face you have! how come you are still single being so pretty?! [sigh] 

Couldn't stop myself, you travel for Earth is beautiful and I see Earth's beauty in you [thanks I guess?] 

Sooooo pretty .. I wish I could take you out.. gorgeous you are!! 

So I was recently given an assignment to write an essay, on the finer things in life... So I was wondering if I could interview you for the same ;)...? [then a day later] Hello :( 

You got nice eyes and lips and hows the weather treating you? 

is it shallow if I only gave you high ratings because of your awesome hair?

The locals...

For the record, I would have no issue dating a Singaporean, but it shouldn't be the first thing out of his mouth.

Not sure whether you're keen with meeting a local guy just to hang out. 

This is my 1st time to msg a western woman like u 

Not sure if racial characteristic is within your search criteria, but oh well 

Out of curiosity.. Is there chinesse ever hit on u? 

Hello, mind to be friend with Asian?

The stalkers...

You are living alone here? [Why would I tell a strange man that? So he can break into my apartment?] 

hey can I steal one of your pictures? [NO! To do what with it? Ugh I don't even want to know.] 

Babe I'll be honest with you...I like your profile and if you can get me a job of being your personal bodyguard, I'll be on the first flight to SP and we can start making babies:D Deal? [Calling me babe? Wanting my babies? Good lord.] 

oh my goodness you are so incredibly beautiful that i would move to singapore right now and marry you! 

First of all you have gorgeous smile
Secondly you are very very cute
Thirdly I want to be your friend
Fourthly you have to be my friend :-)
Fifthly are you agree to be my friend ?? :-))))) 

if you'd like to come over and have some conversations at my place do let me know. i'm staying at the Rendezvous Hotel [I'll pass. Thanks.] 

I swear I'm not a stalker or creep! I guess my numerous messages to you say otherwise [That is correct, dear sir.]

The clever ones...

Late night tic tac toe guy. I'm way too lazy to type all of that out, but nice effort.

This guy is either a comic genius or a moron. I'm not sure which:

Hi.. I think i need some help. I managed to convert my toaster into a time machine, but there is a problem, it's travelling through time too slowly. It takes two hours to travel two hours into the future. That's too slow. Do you have any idea how to solve this?

The just plain bizarre...

hello pretty queen? [Why is this a question?] 

im not looking for any relationships here [Then why are you on a dating site?] 

knock knock Lovely profile, say my note to self [?] 

so why did you add me, is it the kinky part? [From the married guy on Tinder. Don't let your friends play with the Tinder app on your phone. They think swiping right on the most inappropriate guys is HILARIOUS. It's not when they turn out to be creeps.] 

Im here just for chat im Not an usually kupid's pervent ;) [No idea what that's supposed to mean.]

We're the same age as Jesus when he died

sorry sir.i think canadian embassy branch in srilanka.can i send money and documents to india through that embassy in srilanka? [Ummm....]

do you think a bed of roses or a zombie apocalypse is a meaning of your life? [I'm going to go with neither.]

Sent by an 18 year old:

From a 21 year old. Where are these kids coming from???

Listen I got a thing for older women. I love messing around with older women. I was wondering if u wanted to mess around with a younger well endowed man just once for fun. 

Liaminaboxxx made a reappearance. See the section on incredibly inappropriate guys. Same message about being uncalibrated. I don't think he knows what that means.

Source: compelled.org

And the one who read the old blog...

This was bound to happen. The guy has a very empty profile and no photo so not sure what his deal is, but he went away after not too long.

Writing this has been quite cathartic. I've unmatched or blocked all of the losers. And wrote back to a few that I'd missed! I'll report back soon on any progress. Until then, my friends.

Source: chucklesnetwork.com

Why Did the Chick Cross Orchard Road?

Do you miss the US?

I've just barely been in Singapore for a month so it's not that long of a time in which to feel homesick, but the short answer to this question is no. If I think about it, what do I miss? Friends and family of course. And I miss that I was served dinner at work, there was a chiropractor onsite at my office, and I could buy wine without spending a fortune. Real first world problems, I know. So... no, I don't really miss the US. At least not yet.

Singapore is pretty much the easiest city ever to move to, as long as you don't mind humidity. A new friend yesterday correctly said that it is "insultingly easy" to adapt here. Everyone speaks English, people are friendly, and despite what many people say, there is a ton of stuff to do here. Taxis aren't actually all that easy to get, but it's usually 10 minutes or less (basically I'm spoiled by Uber in SF and how well taxi apps work there), and it was unnecessarily frustrating to buy a ticket for the subway (the MRT). There was really no reason for me to stand in line multiple times to buy a ticket, but there was likely a faster way to do this that I wasn't aware of.

Spend Friday night at a beautiful pool bar? Don't mind if I do.

So what has been the hardest thing for me to figure out in Singapore? Crossing the street. Yes, you read that correctly. But not just any street. The street that gets me home. Orchard Road.

Source: Wikipedia

The Orchard Road Underpass (also known as the Depths of Hell)

The intersection of Orchard Road and Scotts Road / Paterson Road is a very busy one. There are no crosswalks so in order to cross the road, you need to go into the Orchard MRT station and cross via an underpass. Sounds easy, right? Haha no. The first time I experienced this mayhem was when I was recovering from being sick just after I had gotten here. I had spent the previous three days sick in bed and alone. I went out to meet a friend for dinner and needed to cross Orchard. After figuring out the no crosswalk situation, I went down into the MRT. All of the sudden I was in an underground shopping mall maze with heaving masses of people everywhere. Where the hell was I? It was a jarring shock to go from solitary confinement to this chaos.

Singapore is known for its mall culture, and Orchard Road is the epitome of this. Block after block of massive shopping malls selling everything under the sun. Orchard also is the location of many hotels, such as the Marriott and the Grand Hyatt, which have clubs in them (see earlier post on the clientele in the Marriott's bar). And Orchard is home of the infamous Orchard Towers, nicknamed the Four Floors of Whores.

Crossing the street - the new place to pick up guys

I generally have a decent sense of direction so that fact that this underpass situation is still not under control baffles me. It's not just me either. Half the time I'm trying to navigate this I'm with someone else! Twice this week we ended up going out on Orchard Road. While I can do without the prostitutes, I like dancing and hey, it's close to home (hahaha).

On Tuesday, a big group of us ended up at Brix in the Grand Hyatt. The night for me had ended with a weird encounter, and I left the club quite hastily and a bit flustered. I just started walking without really thinking where I was headed. This was a bad idea. I can see the Grand Hyatt from my apartment, yet it took me 45 minutes to find my way home. I need to pay more attention to what I'm doing sometimes. On Thursday, four of us ended up at Orchard Towers to watch a band (and FYI, the lead singer is still definitely a hooker). A coworker who lives a few blocks away walked me home. We must have gone up and down 15 different sets of escalators trying to get through the underpass. I was barefoot this whole time too since my shoe had broken. Finally we just jaywalked and hopped a fence to get across the street.

Last night I went to dinner at a friend's apartment. She lives right next to the Grand Hyatt so it was "walking distance". As I walked there I paid very careful attention to exactly which pathway to take so I would be sure to get home without incident. I left dinner, feeling confident in my directional abilities, and the hallway I was supposed to take was... blocked for construction. DAMMIT! I headed to another escalator that I was semi-sure would still get me to the right place and ran into a guy walking back up who told me that it was blocked that way as well. Screw it, I'm jaywalking again. He asked where I was going and I told him to follow me. As I was climbing over a fence in a skirt, he asked me out for a drink. I told him that everything on this side of the street was closed now, trying to politely decline. He then suggested buying a drink at the 7-11. What?! No. I need to go home now. <sigh>

Source: troll.me

Hello?... Hello???... HELLOOOOO?!

When I was last on OKCupid, I got a few guys who were a bit too persistent and would keep messaging me despite never getting a single response. This time around it's much worse. Some send the same message over and over. Others start to get weird and desperate and sometimes nasty. This morning I woke up to one of those messages. Until today I haven't trolled any guys on the dating sites here. Most of the messages have been so bad it just wouldn't have been worth it. But this guy got under my skin.

On Friday while I was at work I got the first message:

how's life? nice smile!

Not a terrible message, but he didn't live in Singapore so I wasn't planning to respond. I got the message while running between meetings so even if I had been planning to respond, it wouldn't have been right away. Less than an hour later was message #2:

no reply?

Oh gross. Pathetic and whiny. That's exactly what I'm looking for in a guy. Guys on dating sites, a word of advice - NEVER DO THIS. EVER. A second message can be acceptable if done well, but do not send a message like this. You are acting like the clingy, jealous girlfriend that no one likes.

This morning I got the third message which he had sent at around 2 AM:

no reply?
Thanks for that!
Seems ignoring messages is something that makes women feel good. 
It has some way got to do with personal ego.

Are you freaking kidding me? I'm sorry that I haven't taken the time to send a personal response to all 232, no make that 233, people who have messaged me in the last 8 days. I'm not trying to pretend that I'm soooo amazing that this is a phenomenon unique to me. Guys play these sites like a numbers game, spamming hundreds of girls a day, and most girls get the same volume of messages that I do. I had to respond, knowing full well the reply I would receive:

I didn't reply to you for several reasons. None of which have to do with my ego.
1) You are in Italy, not Singapore, and my profile is specific that I'm not looking for a pen pal. I do not respond to anyone who is not in Singapore.
2) To follow up an initial message in less than 24 hours with "no reply?" seems desperate and creepy. Even if I had been planning to respond I wouldn't have after that message.
3) I am not interested in your profile. Women on here get many messages per day and it's ridiculous to think that every one will respond back to you. I don't have the time to gently let you know I'm not interested so as not to bruise YOUR ego.
Being rude to women on here is not going to make you many friends. You may want to adjust your tactics.

While waiting for his inevitable reply, I took a look at his profile. There was no way in hell I would have EVER engaged with this guy seriously.

1. As mentioned above, not even in Singapore.
2. Terrible, terrible photos. He could possibly be somewhat attractive in real life, but one photo is a weird side profile and the other has this awful filter on it that makes him look like he has some bizarre disease.
3. He refers to himself as a "weird stuff thinker". What on earth is that supposed to be?
4. In the questions he has answered he says that "sarcasm is formulaic and lame" (this will be relevant in a second), he prefers submissive partners (yeah, you don't want me buddy) and that it is not acceptable for gay couples to have children.

Source: memekid.com

Five minutes later, his response:

I don't need your advice. As you said women received thousand of messages, and maybe feel the right to behave like they are the only ones in the world.
I know that very well, hence i was not rude, I just stated it has to do with ego, and ur message is confirming that.
Secondly, I have the option to see when people read my message, and yes, you could read it just short after you received it, so it is nothing creepy if i said to you that you ignored me. It was just stating a fact.
If i was sarcastic to you (not rude, sarcastic, if you can discern the difference) is because I already knew about your point 3 (you did not find me attractive).
Nothing to lose then.
As you noticed, not only women have a brain in the world, even they tend to think so LOL

Let's break down this response. First, the beginning just makes no sense. I didn't say women receive thousands of messages, but if they do, how are they behaving like they are the only ones in the world? I'm not following the logic there. Second, saying that someone is egotistical is rude. Period. Third, checking to see when someone reads your messages then berating them if they don't respond immediately is without question creepy. Fourth, there was nothing sarcastic about his message. He was stating a fact as he says, which is not sarcasm, but as he answered correctly in his questions, his sarcasm is lame. Fifth, if you know someone is not interested, what's the point in continuing to harass them? Sixth, if you're going to comment on women having brains, try to use correct grammar. Seventh, LOL... shoot me in the face.

I didn't even have time to send my break down of the fallacies of his response, when he sent another message:

P.S.: i hope you enjoy your threesomes and gangbangs there, as you said you are interested in them. ;)

That was the last straw with this guy:

Nope, never said that. But as I did say, you are very rude. Leave me alone now or I will report you.

He of course replied again, threatening that he would report me. Haha, that's funny. So I blocked him and reported him for offensive comments and harassment. Then I remembered that I had been invited by OKCupid to help moderate content on the site, and I spent the next hour recommending that other offensive douchebags have their profiles be taken down. I feel much better now. Time to go sit by the pool :)

Source: quickmeme.com

Not OK, OKCupid. Not OK at all.

Warning: Content in this post is not suitable for work or for children. Proceed with caution.


Back in action

Turns out an OKCupid profile can be turned back on with just a couple of clicks. Five minutes of editing, and my shiny new profile was ready to go. Just like last time, the messages started rolling in almost instantly. Except I realized quickly, this was not going to be like last time. While Tinder here is pretty similar to in the US, OKCupid is not. So far there has only been one guy worth chatting to out of the 118 who have contacted me. This is not going to be a fruitful way in which to get dates.

There are all sorts of strange and bizarre guys on OKC in Singapore. Here is a sample for you...


The Asian guy who's into white girls

"I haven't really have a caucasian before so am hoping you will be my first"


The guy who doesn't live in Singapore

They come from near and far: Malaysia, Gambia, the US, Italy, France, Senegal, Germany, the UK, Columbia


The guy who thinks he's funny but isn't

"I am easygoing, interactive, shy but managable lol."
"San Fran! Do you wear a flower in your hair? lol"
"What could be more important than a happy ending? LOL"
 [I still hate LOL. Bleh.]


The guy who is posing with a wild animal

I really don't get why there are so many of these photos. Apparently it's a thing in Canada too.

From Google image search. Sadly, not a guy who actually contacted me. None of the guys here with tiger photos have been this cute.

The guy who can't take a hint

Sending nine messages in a row without waiting for a response is too many. So is messaging me every two days saying, "you look great!" or sending "Hi morning"  or "Hello, how are you?" every single day when I'm not responding to you. (These are three separate guys doing this.)


The guy who is DEFINITELY older than his profile says

I'm 35. I swear! (Also a Google image search photo)

The guy who wants to be a sugar daddy

"I am in that exclusive group of 'Shalionaires' hyped by the media for the millions we have made investing in shale oil and gas. [...] I don't mind providing an airline ticket to meet me anywhere in the world. [...] We are always looking for good help if you are interested in a new career."


The guy who wants a partner in crime... literally

"My other interest are to rob a vault... hijack a ship and to manipulate the slot machine at the MBS casino... the sort of stuff that could rescue by bored soul... but for all of these I require a partner in crime... so let me know if any of it interests you."


The guy who is incredibly inappropriate

"Excellent profile-you write well. And you're a bit of a dirty girl, eh? Hot fucking combination." [Note: Nothing in my profile is sexual and I'm fully clothed in all of my photos.]

This one needs a screenshot because I really couldn't make this crap up even if I tried. Saying "haha" does not make this even a little bit OK.

And last but not least, the guy who isn't a guy...

So there you go, folks. The weird and crazy world of OKC in Singapore. Might be time to pay for a dating site. Or just go back to Tinder.