Wednesday, November 5, 2014

What I Am To You Is Not Real

And so it is, just like you said it would be

On Monday it happened. A wobble. I hit the low point that's inevitable after the high of being in a new place doing fun, exciting new things. But I'm not homesick. Well maybe homesick for Singapore and exhausted from traveling, but not homesick for the US. In fact, the past few days have made me even more confident in my decision to move. I did miss my friends when I was wanting people to talk to and it was the middle of the night at home, but fortunately I had two friends in Singapore who let me vent. I'm incredibly grateful that I already have people out here who are willing to listen. I feel very lucky.

Volcanoes melt you down

Monday was a bit of a perfect storm. First I felt incredibly sick. Getting some sort of stomach issue happens more often than not when you're a foreigner in India, but that doesn't make it any easier to give a presentation to a senior client when you feel like puking. Then there was a snide comment made that was directed toward me, and I got some news that I wasn't too thrilled about. All in all, nothing tragic happened, but my motivation level went from being pretty high and being excited to work on some new things to basically zero and wanting my vacation that starts on Friday to happen now. And I really hate feeling that way.

Maybe I'll meet a Ryan look-alike on vacation (source:

What I really need is what makes me bleed

Yesterday I refocused. I'm still not in the best mood, but I'm in India to meet my new team, and I owe it to them to be fully present. Plus there's a ton of work to do, and feeling productive and useful is always a better state of mind for me. I'm trying to take to heart a piece of feedback I received recently that I need to show my personality and "quirkiness" to my team more. I get it, but feedback like that also bothers me sometimes. I suspect not too many male managers get feedback like that. As a female if I'm not warm and fuzzy, it's a negative. For a lot of male managers, no one flinches if they're not overly friendly, as long as the work gets done. I don't like when being personable feels forced. It seems ingenuous, and everyone sees right through it.

 I couldn't resist including this (source:

Why do you sing with me at all

We all have our shields that we hide behind. Some people come across as very friendly at first, but when you stop to think about it, they don't really let people in beyond the surface level. At least not right away. But you don't always realize it because they're so outgoing and engaging. I'm the opposite. I'm not open at all when I first meet most people. (Remember the ice princess nickname?) Then I'll let people in quite a bit. Or so it seems. But those who are paying attention realize I tell variations of the same story over and over. For those who aren't paying attention, they think they have me totally figured out after a handful of conversations.

Is he dark enough to see your light

I've always been one of those people who's had an incredibly wide social circle. I have 1600 Facebook friends and I probably don't know who a significant number of them are anymore. Yet I post a very personal blog there for all of them to read. (Well, not all. Generally each post gets about 300 page views when posted which still baffles me that so many people read this.) Despite having this many "friends", there are probably only 3 or 4 people from my entire life who really know me. The highs and lows, the hopes and dreams, the secrets and dark places. Everyone else just knows the persona, which is fine and probably not something that's unique to me.

You give me miles and miles of mountains

I read an article yesterday about how it feels when you realize people who were once important to you fall out of your life and become somebody you used to know (love that song). For me there's another dimension. For many of those 1600 FB friends, I'm not only someone who they used to know, I'm also a good story to tell. It's become more and more common lately since I haven't settled down and I do things that aren't part of the normal husband and 2.5 kids lifestyle. When one of my former friends sees me after a long time and introduces me to a new person, it usually goes like this - "This is Sara! She's the one who [was on Everest, writes that dating blog, works at that big tech company, moved to Singapore, etc, etc]."


I can't say what's going on

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. It's just an interesting realization to make. Writing about my life in a very public forum invites this, but it can be a little weird. I love that people I haven't heard from in ages message me because something I wrote resonated with them. I can't think of a better reason to reconnect with someone. But it is strange when someone whose life I know nothing about knows so much about mine. At least the parts I choose to share. The blog is a great example of how if you tell enough stories people feel like they know you. Even if the reality is far from it.

My favourite faded fantasy

Last night I discovered an NPR article that had a link to Damien Rice's new album. I first saw him play live over a decade ago and I've loved his music ever since. It's dark but somehow optimistic at the same time. It was perfectly fitting for my introspective mood. The line from Volcano was the perfect title for this post.

Don't drag my love around

I shouldn't read OKC messages while I'm in a dark mood. I'm not amused with the crap when I'm feeling that way. I didn't respond to any because it would have been a really bad idea, though I did send in the messages about getting gang banged to Bye Felipe. We'll see if they post it.

Check out the Facebook page. Hilarious.

I can't take my eyes off of you

I need to get excited again about some of the potential prospects because pickings are slim. Here are some of the gems I've gotten in the last few days. Blue eyes are apparently a hit in India. Compliments are nice but god I feel objectified.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Can i date you :D
I don't know why you are really here
The eyes are alluring, as blue as a swimming pool.
This is a dating site and not my MBA study [your humble brag does nothing for me since I also have an MBA...]
Looks elegant n v pretty. Beautiful eyes n adorable cute smile !
Let me know if we can take things further ;)
I'm not white or middle eastern if that concerns you
Hey gorgeous
Hi sweetie
Hello beautiful
Hey u defines the Beauty
I'm gonna call you on your bluff and say you did graduate high school [sorry buddy, but you're wrong and implying that I lie on my profile is not cool]
Looking good
ur amazingly hot!!!!!!
U r sooo prity!

Does he drive you wild or just mildly free

And these two need a screen shot...

Just wow... fortunately I'm not in Hyderabad anymore

This seems like a great way to turn into an international news story about an American girl getting murdered in India

Love taught me to lie, life taught me to die

For now, thank you for reading my slightly moderated musings. I'm glad so many of you enjoy reading about my weird life. Maybe someday I'll write the uncensored version.

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