Sunday, February 1, 2015

All's Fair in Love and War

Apologies, dear readers, for taking so long to write another post. Life - mainly work travel and moving apartments - got in the way of writing. But a birthday seems as good a reason as any to start again. I need to get cracking since my profiles all say I'm a year older now. (And thank you all again for the lovely birthday messages!)

I have so far been on 3 dates. Two were duds. The first was a coffee date. He was fine, but neither of us messaged afterwards and it took me a week to even realize it. Not a good sign. The second was incredibly arrogant. Probably the worst date I've ever been on. He thought it was cute or something to jokingly call me a "good little girl". Anyone who knows me will know that does not amuse me in the slightest. With the third I have at least found a new climbing partner. He doesn't live full time in Singapore so it likely won't amount to anything much, but at least I'm climbing again. He's got enough weight on me that I have to be super careful belaying him. I went flying in the air once and he tumbled to the floor. Oops. He still wants to go climbing again though.

And now what you've all really been wanting to know... What awful messages have I gotten over the last 3 months. I've been saving them all up for you!

The very to the point...
Drinks tonight?
Where will be our first date? ;)
I am looking for a long term relationship
may I be ur friend ? I am 29 and single man
up for casual sex? [Nope.]
do you want to marry?
you can come to india for your travel trips! [I get a LOT of messages from India. Like really a lot. More than from guys in Singapore.]
I came across ur profile. .though u r older than me ..thought we did have a few common interests ..nd hence this msg of hi [Keep reminding me I'm old. That's gonna work great.]

The ones who don't understand my profile...
You should get your GED [Sent from the good ole USA. I replied - I have an MBA so I'm good, but thanks for the unsolicited advice.] 
i really wanna know if it's true that you didn't graduate from high school? [Based on the grammar issues in that line, it seems like he didn't either. Might take this out of my profile. It causes more trouble than it's worth. It's in the "most private thing I'm willing to admit" section right now. Need to think of a new one.] 
an engineer, wow! [Working in tech does not mean I'm an engineer.] 
I hope you consider exploring further although I'm a bit over 40. [A bit is an understatement.]

The relentless...
Good Morning!! [Nov 6]
Hey you [same guy, Nov 8]
Morning you [same guy again, Nov 8]
Hello ! =) [Oct 22]
Hello I m active [Oct 25]
Heyooo [Nov 13]
Hello, I'm a single guy from Hyderabad, lemme know if you would like to chat... [Nov 5]
Helooo a "yes", "no" or "maybe" would really help.... [Dec 2]
Hi how ru?wats ur job? [Oct 27]
Hello hor ru?taken ur dnner? [Nov 2]
Hi how ru?do u meet any guy so far?where do u stay? [Dec 7]

This was sent two days after I didn't respond to this guy's first message:
Have you taken a look at the gay men and gay women in okcupid. They're having a ball of a time flirting with one another. And we are are, nitpicking on race, religion, income and looks. You came all the way to Singapore, to hook up with a white guy? Or some Christian? Or someone well-off financially? Someone drop dead good looking?
I have no words for this winner. Second line of his profile is - "I am thankful that I am not short. I am also thankful that I was given above average intelligence." I'm clearly the shallow one in this conversation.

Had to block this next one. Even for the blog it was getting to be too much.

The complimentary (kind of)...
such a pretty face you have! how come you are still single being so pretty?! [sigh] 
Couldn't stop myself, you travel for Earth is beautiful and I see Earth's beauty in you [thanks I guess?] 
Sooooo pretty .. I wish I could take you out.. gorgeous you are!! 
So I was recently given an assignment to write an essay, on the finer things in life... So I was wondering if I could interview you for the same ;)...? [then a day later] Hello :( 
You got nice eyes and lips and hows the weather treating you? 
is it shallow if I only gave you high ratings because of your awesome hair?

The locals...

For the record, I would have no issue dating a Singaporean, but it shouldn't be the first thing out of his mouth.
Not sure whether you're keen with meeting a local guy just to hang out. 
This is my 1st time to msg a western woman like u 
Not sure if racial characteristic is within your search criteria, but oh well 
Out of curiosity.. Is there chinesse ever hit on u? 
Hello, mind to be friend with Asian?

The stalkers...
You are living alone here? [Why would I tell a strange man that? So he can break into my apartment?] 
hey can I steal one of your pictures? [NO! To do what with it? Ugh I don't even want to know.] 
Babe I'll be honest with you...I like your profile and if you can get me a job of being your personal bodyguard, I'll be on the first flight to SP and we can start making babies:D Deal? [Calling me babe? Wanting my babies? Good lord.] 
oh my goodness you are so incredibly beautiful that i would move to singapore right now and marry you! 
First of all you have gorgeous smile
Secondly you are very very cute
Thirdly I want to be your friend
Fourthly you have to be my friend :-)
Fifthly are you agree to be my friend ?? :-))))) 
if you'd like to come over and have some conversations at my place do let me know. i'm staying at the Rendezvous Hotel [I'll pass. Thanks.] 
I swear I'm not a stalker or creep! I guess my numerous messages to you say otherwise [That is correct, dear sir.]

The clever ones...

Late night tic tac toe guy. I'm way too lazy to type all of that out, but nice effort.

This guy is either a comic genius or a moron. I'm not sure which:
Hi.. I think i need some help. I managed to convert my toaster into a time machine, but there is a problem, it's travelling through time too slowly. It takes two hours to travel two hours into the future. That's too slow. Do you have any idea how to solve this?

The just plain bizarre...
hello pretty queen? [Why is this a question?] 
im not looking for any relationships here [Then why are you on a dating site?] 
knock knock Lovely profile, say my note to self [?] 
so why did you add me, is it the kinky part? [From the married guy on Tinder. Don't let your friends play with the Tinder app on your phone. They think swiping right on the most inappropriate guys is HILARIOUS. It's not when they turn out to be creeps.] 
Im here just for chat im Not an usually kupid's pervent ;) [No idea what that's supposed to mean.]
We're the same age as Jesus when he died
sorry sir.i think canadian embassy branch in srilanka.can i send money and documents to india through that embassy in srilanka? [Ummm....]
do you think a bed of roses or a zombie apocalypse is a meaning of your life? [I'm going to go with neither.]

Sent by an 18 year old:

From a 21 year old. Where are these kids coming from???
Listen I got a thing for older women. I love messing around with older women. I was wondering if u wanted to mess around with a younger well endowed man just once for fun. 

Liaminaboxxx made a reappearance. See the section on incredibly inappropriate guys. Same message about being uncalibrated. I don't think he knows what that means.


And the one who read the old blog...

This was bound to happen. The guy has a very empty profile and no photo so not sure what his deal is, but he went away after not too long.

Writing this has been quite cathartic. I've unmatched or blocked all of the losers. And wrote back to a few that I'd missed! I'll report back soon on any progress. Until then, my friends.


No comments:

Post a Comment